


The Gaywad Agenda

by zuotian



Category: South Park
Genre: Craig Is Smarter Than Everyone, Denial, Dialogue Heavy, Dismantling Heteronormativity, Ensemble Cast, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Kiss, Humor, M/M, Meta, Parody, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-18 17:47:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17585456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zuotian/pseuds/zuotian
Summary: Craig and Tweek are constantly assailed with unwanted attention over their relationship. To relieve the pressure, Craig comes up with a plan involving Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny. He convinces them to create an elaborate charade so people leave him and Tweek alone. But what is initially meant to be pretend becomes all too real for the four boys.





	The Gaywad Agenda

**Author's Note:**

> ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS FANFICTION—EVEN THOSE BASED ON A REAL SHOW—ARE ENTIRELY GRATUITOUS. ALL CANONICAL DIALOGUE IS IMPERSONATED ... POORLY. THE FOLLOWING FANFICTION CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

Craig heard his mother coming upstairs. He jumped back from the air vent, dove into bed, and stuck the hot thermometer under his tongue just as she opened his door. 

 

“How’re you feeling?” she asked, walking toward him.

 

“Still pretty bad,” Craig mumbled, the thermometer bobbing up and down with each word. 

 

She stopped at his bedside and took it from his mouth. It beeped once and her eyes widened. “You’re at 102 degrees! We might need to take you to the hospital.” She frowned and touched his forehead with the back of her hand. “But you don’t feel that warm… Maybe we should double check.” 

 

“No, Mom, it’s okay,” Craig promised, sitting up against his pillow. “I’ll just stay in bed and take some medicine. It’s not  _ that _ bad.” He coughed into his elbow for added effect, then wiped his nose with his sleeve. 

 

“Well, that’s fine. Even if you do have something, we don’t want it spread around.” 

 

Craig withheld a satisfied smirk, and affected a petulant scowl instead. “But Tweek can come over later still, right?” 

 

“No way, mister,” his mom said. “You don’t want him to get sick too, do you? Probably swapping spit, huh?” 

 

“We haven’t even kissed yet,” Craig demanded non-facetiously, flushing with embarrassment. “He uses hand sanitizer every five seconds anyway. He’ll be fine.” 

 

His mom put her hands on her hips. “If you want to see him so badly, maybe you should just go to school,” she threatened. 

 

Craig backed off. “Alright, alright.” He pulled his blanket up and coughed again. “Can I have some coffee, or something?” 

 

She rolled her eyes. “If there’s one thing I don’t like about that boy, it’s he’s got you hooked on caffeine. If you want something hot, I’ll make you tea.” 

 

Craig sighed. “Okay, I guess.” 

 

She patted the pompom on his hat. “I’ll bring your medicine too. Be back soon.” 

 

Craig flipped his middle finger at her retreating form. Once she left, he reached toward the side table to grab his phone and called Tweek. Tweek answered immediately. 

 

“Hey, babe,” Craig said. 

 

“Craig! Hey! Did your mom buy it?” 

 

“Totally,” Craig replied, cradling the phone to his ear. “I put my thermometer against the heater. What about you?” 

 

“I stuck it in really hot coffee.” Tweek had a coffee pot in his room, so this was entirely feasible. 

 

“Awesome. I’m so glad we don’t have to go to school.” 

 

“I know,” Tweek said. “It’s getting fucking ridiculous, man.” 

 

“We gotta figure it out,” Craig said. “We can’t skip forever, unless we pretend we have AIDS. We’d have to get blood transfusions or do heroin, or something.” 

 

“What! Craig, there’s no way I’m doing heroin.” 

 

“Who knew being gay would have so many consequences,” Craig lamented. 

 

“Maybe we should ask for help,” Tweek suggested. “From Garrison, or Mr. Slave and Big Al.” 

 

Craig snorted. “Those old guys? Honey, they’re from a different time. Like, the 80s. They don’t understand. All they could tell us is how to get AIDS.” 

 

“I said I’m not doing that!” 

 

“Then we’re out of options.” Craig lifted the phone for a second, then said, “I gotta go. My mom is coming.” 

 

“Call me back,” Tweek said. “You’re freaking me out. We’ll think of something that isn’t AIDS.” 

 

“If you say so,” Craig said and hung up. He slipped his phone under the pillow and laid back down. 

 

His mom returned with a cup of tea and spoonful of cough syrup. Craig swallowed both with a pinched expression. After that, he was left to rest. 

 

He called Tweek again. The ringback cut off abruptly. Craig shrugged and waited. A few minutes later, Tweek called back. 

 

“Sorry, my mom was giving me medicine too,” Tweek said. “Hey, are we gonna get high since we’re not actually sick? People get high off cough syrup, you know.” 

 

“That’s only if you mix it with grape koolaid,” Craig informed. 

 

“Oh. Okay.” Tweek slurped loudly. He was probably on his third cup of coffee already. “So what are we gonna do?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Craig said. 

 

“We need a diversion.” 

 

“Hmm.” Craig paused, frowning at his blanketed knees. “Goddamn it.” 

 

“What? Don’t say AIDS.”  

 

“Who are the most distracting people we know?” Craig asked. 

 

“Uhh…” Tweek thought for a second, then groaned. “Goddamn it!” 

 

“I know,” Craig agreed. “But it’s the only way. Ask Kyle to bring you homework after school.” 

 

“M-me? Why?” 

 

“He likes you better than me. Stan will go with him, because they’re in love or whatever,” Craig explained. “Kenny will too, ‘cause he has nothing better to do. And Cartman will show up ‘cause he doesn’t want left out. They’ll all be there.” 

 

“They’re  _ douchebags _ ,” Tweek insisted. 

 

“I know, but they’re our only hope.” 

 

“What for?”

 

Craig took a deep breath. “We need someone to out-gay us.” 

 

“There’s no way, man,” Tweek said. “Are you crazy?”

 

“We’re not  _ that _ gay,” Craig told him.

 

“I mean, there’s no way they’ll agree to it. Stan has Wendy to worry about. Kyle is too smart to fall for it. Kenny’s already a deviant, or whatever. And Cartman’s just in denial.” 

 

“Just trust me,” Craig implored. 

 

“I don’t know,” Tweek said. “I - I can’t pull this off. Are you sure about this?”

 

“Facetime me, and I’ll do all the talking.” 

 

“Fine,” Tweek relented. “But if it backfires, I won’t hold your hand for like, a month.” 

 

“Then I’ll make sure it works,” Craig promised. He really liked holding Tweek’s hand. 

 

They spent the day playing Fortnite together (they were unstoppable in duos mode) and pretending to sleep when their parents checked in. As it neared three o’ clock Tweek asked if someone could bring him homework. 

 

Kyle followed through with the other three boys in tow, just as Craig predicted. He was Facetiming Tweek, but the phone was turned around so that the front camera faced the interior of Tweek’s bedroom. 

 

“We learned variable substitution in math today,” Kyle was saying, placing a folder next to the coffee pot on Tweek’s desk. “And there’s a pop quiz tomorrow. Garrison didn’t say exactly, but Kenny looked through his desk during recess trying to find Mr. Hat’s corpse and found out.” 

 

“All I got was a bunch of condoms,” Kenny added. Tweek swiveled the phone to the foot of his bed, where Kenny stood with Stan and Cartman. Kenny raised his eyebrows suggestively. “They’re  _ flavored _ .”

 

“Gross, dude,” Stan said. 

 

“So we had to find Mr. Hat’s corpse because we needed a resurrection,” Cartman began. “We found his voodoo lady online, right, and we were gonna have her transfer Mr. Hat’s spirit into the the classroom computer, so Garrison would go crazy and forget we had detention Friday. I watched Bandersnatch on Netflix and came up with the idea. Because on Friday we need to cover Butters’ room in flour to make him think he became a coke addict, because he made us get detention in the first place since we stole his secret Hello Kitty journal and made him cry and he told Garrison.” 

 

Kyle entered the frame. “We didn’t do that, Cartman, only you did. But you implicated us as your stupid accomplices!”

 

“Anyway,” Cartman continued, “we were gonna pour like fifty 5 Hour Energies into Butters’ milk at lunch, which would make him puke and blackout, and then he would have to go home sick and we would show up and tell him he was high off coke the whole time. It would’ve been so sweet, except we didn’t find Mr. Hat.” 

 

Craig couldn’t take it anymore. “Shut up, Cartman. I don’t care.” 

 

“Don’t tell me to shut up, gaywad,” Cartman countered. 

 

“Don’t call him a gaywad,” Stan said. 

 

“Why? I’m not saying he’s a gaywad because he’s gay,” Cartman argued. “He’s a gaywad because he’s a gaywad. It’s that simple.” 

 

“You’re a gaywad,” Stan said. 

 

Cartman turned. “I am not a gaywad, dude. You’re a gaywad. You’re a bigger gaywad than Craig is. Isn’t he, Kyle? Kenny?” 

 

Kenny pulled a flavored condom packet out of his pocket. “This one is blueberry,” he said. “Who dares me to put it on my dick and try to lick it?” 

 

“No one wants to see that,” Kyle said. 

 

“I kind of do,” Cartman admitted, forgetting his argument with Stan. 

 

“Shut up,” Craig repeated. “Everybody shut up!” 

 

“Jesus Christ,” Tweek said offscreen.

 

There was a beat of silence. The four boys glanced at each other. Kenny repocketed his condom.

 

“What is it?” Kyle asked. “I thought we were just dropping off Tweek’s homework.” He looked around suspiciously, his forehead creased. “Is this some kind of setup? I call shenanigans, Craig.” 

 

“Shenanigans are what I need,” Craig revealed. He laced his hands under his chin in a serious manner. “You guys make the most shenanigans out of any of us.” 

 

“I’m not helping you,” Cartman said. “You’re a fucking gaywad, Craig.” 

 

Craig figured they’d be like this, so he made an appeal he knew no young boy could resist. “If you do this, I’ll give all of you V-bucks codes.” 

 

Cartman scoffed. “You don’t have that many V-bucks.”

 

“Tweek and I both have two gift cards from Christmas,” Craig assured. “Our parents gave us each one, and then my parents gave him one and his parents gave me one. That’s four. One for each of you.” 

 

The phone suddenly flipped to show Tweek’s face at an upward angle. His nostrils flared in protest. “Hey! You didn’t tell me that was part of the deal, Craig! I need those!”

 

Craig sighed. “Sacrifices must be made, babe.” 

 

Tweek rolled his eyes. “I don’t like this,” he complained, and turned the camera back. 

 

The other four boys contemplated amongst themselves. 

 

“That’s not a bad offer,” Stan surmised. 

 

“I’ve never had any V-bucks,” Kenny said. 

 

“I’m close to getting new emotes,” Kyle said. 

 

“But is it worth it, you guys?” Cartman asked. “We don’t even know what they want us to do.”

 

Stan shrugged. “It’s V-bucks, dude. I’ll practically do anything for V-bucks.” 

 

“Me too,” Kenny said. 

 

“Same,” Kyle agreed.  

 

“True,” Cartman said, crossing his arms. They broke their huddle and he looked at Craig. “What are your terms...non-gaywad?” 

 

“I’ll need to speak to each of you separately,” Craig said.

 

“Wait, this is definitely a setup,” Kyle interjected. “Yeah, I’m out.”

 

He made to leave, but Cartman grabbed his arm and forced him to a halt. “Hey! Don’t fuck this up for me, Jew.” 

 

“Listen to Cartman,” Craig agreed, words which he never thought he’d say aloud. “Just think of the V-bucks, Kyle.”

 

“Fine,” Kyle relented, pushing Cartman away with a sneer. “I’ll do it for the V-bucks.” 

 

Kenny pumped a fist in the air. “Woohoo!” 

 

“This better be worth it,” Stan muttered. 

 

“Oh, it will be,” Craig promised. “Now, who wants to go first?” 

 

/ 

 

The next morning both Craig and Tweek’s temperatures miraculously declined, and they were deemed fit enough to go to school. They met at the same stop, which was second to last. Tweek had gotten there first, and was staring down the road. Craig walked up and took his hand. 

 

“Morning,” Craig greeted.

 

“Soak it in,” Tweek advised, both his gaze and pessimism unmoved. “This might be the last time we hold hands for a month.” 

 

“I think it’ll work,” Craig said. “The plan is flawless.” 

 

“No, it’s not.” Tweek finally looked at him, scowling. “Because you picked the biggest idiots to do it.” 

 

“That’s why it’ll work,” Craig ensured, and briefly tightened his hold. “Just trust me, babe.” 

 

“You keep saying that,” Tweek huffed, and untangled their fingers as the bus arrived, “but it doesn’t make me feel any fucking better.” 

 

“Oh.” Craig smirked. “Want a fidget spinner?” 

 

Tweek’s countenance broke as he laughed. “Fuck off,” he said, and punched Craig in the shoulder.

 

“I’m serious,” Craig said, following him up the bus steps. “I’ve still got a thousand of them.” 

 

“That’s lame, man,,” Tweek told him. “You’re so lame.” 

 

“You’re lame,” Craig said. 

 

Their exchange was met with a collective “aww.” They stood at the front of the bus aisle, all the other kids watching them expectantly with wide smiles. 

 

Tweek ducked his head. “Let’s just sit down.” 

 

Craig didn’t respond, and followed him to the back of the bus. They sat at the back in a futile attempt to divert attention from themselves; people were only more motivated to gawk at their relationship since they got back together. All the transfer students had returned to Japan, but left a lasting impression on the town. It would’ve been a little worth it if people kept giving them money, at least. 

 

But everyone took their being gay for granted now. As usual, their seating did nothing to deter the watchful crowd. Everybody just swiveled around to stare, heads raised over the back of their seats. 

 

“I love you fellas,” Butters called. “Go Tweek and Craig!” 

 

Wendy, sitting beside Bebe, nodded appreciatively. “It  _ is _ nice to see heteronormativity finally dismantled.”

 

“Yeah,” Bebe agreed. “It’s cute.”

 

Clyde glanced at her. “Wait, girls think gay guys are cute? Maybe I should be gay…” 

 

“That’s stupid,” Wendy told him. “That’s not how it works, Clyde.” 

 

“God, I hate this,” Tweek muttered, flattened against the window. 

 

Craig couldn’t even reach out to comfort him, because they’d just get more shit. So he looked at Wendy. “You’re straight. Doesn’t that mean you’re part of the heteronormativity too?” 

 

“Unfortunately,” she sighed. “I  _ wish _ I was a lesbian.” 

 

“But you just told Clyde that’s not how it works,” Craig pointed out. 

 

“It’s  _ different _ ,” she insisted. “I’d also be freeing women from male dependence.” 

 

“Girl, if you were a lesbian I’d totally date you,” Bebe said. 

 

Clyde gasped. “I wanna see that!” 

 

“Drop it, Clyde,” Wendy snapped. “I wouldn’t be a lesbian for  _ your _ entertainment.” 

 

Craig wished he had a thousand arms so he could flip everyone off. But he just slumped in his seat. “They’re such hypocrites,” he said to Tweek. 

 

Tweek grunted. “Do you have those fidget spinners?” 

 

“Oh.” Craig opened his backpack and handed some over. 

 

Tweek put a fidget spinner on each finger and started going to town. 

 

“Are you okay?” Craig asked him. 

 

“No,” Tweek said. “L-leave me alone.”

 

Craig touched his leg. “Babe…” 

 

“Aw, that’s so cute,” Butters commented. He cupped his hands around his mouth. “I support you supporting each other!” 

 

Craig looked up. “Dude, fuck off!” 

 

Butters wilted. “What do you mean, Craig? I’m just being supportive.” 

 

Tweek grumbled. The fidget spinners clattered beneath their feet. He folded his legs up to his chest and turned away from Craig completely. “See?”

 

Wendy propped up on her elbow to narrow her eyes at them. “What’s the problem, Craig? Don’t you know what it took for people to publicly support you? Do  _ you _ want to do Stonewall all over again?” 

 

“Just fucking forget it,” Tweek said. “Drop it, Craig.” 

 

The bus slowed to the last stop. Craig grinned. “Don’t worry.” 

 

Wendy rolled her eyes. “What’s with that face? Do you think gay rights are a joke or something?” 

 

Butters pointed to the front of the bus. “Look! It’s Stan and Kyle!” 

 

Everyone turned around. Even Tweek uncurled from his position, leaning over Craig’s lap to see better. “This oughta be good.” 

 

Stan and Kyle were holding hands, their faces twisted with discomfort and burning red. 

 

“Oh, what is this?” Craig asked, projecting his voice across the bus. “Could it be?” 

 

“No way,” Butters said in awe. 

 

Wendy did a double take. “ _ Stan _ ?” 

 

Stan stared over everyone’s heads, taking care to not look at Wendy. “Yeah, we’re, uh, gay.” 

 

Craig glanced down at Tweek, who struggled not to laugh. 

 

Kyle nodded. “We’re so gay,” he supplemented through gritted teeth. 

 

Cartman’s boisterous laughter suddenly sounded as he walked up behind them. “Yup! They’re gay alright! I’ve only been saying they’re fags for years.” 

 

Craig nudged Tweek. “Wait for it,” he instructed giddily. 

 

Kenny was the last to board, and shoved himself beside Cartman. “If they’re gay, so are we,” he said. 

 

Cartman’s face blanked. “What?” 

 

Kenny threw his arm over Cartman’s shoulders and gave him a fat kiss on the cheek. “You can’t hide it anymore.” 

 

Cartman tried pushing him away. “Cut it out, Kenny! I’m not gay! This wasn’t part of the plan!” 

 

“Aw, jeeze,” Butters moaned, “I think I’m gonna pass out!” 

 

“This is crazy,” Wendy said. “Stan, since when were you gay?” 

 

Craig sat up and protested. “Hey, you can’t ask that. You’re re-manetling the heteronormativity, Wendy.” 

 

She pursed her lips. “But…”

 

“You’re making Cartman feel bad,” Kenny told her. His hold had turned into a headlock as Cartman continued to struggle against him. 

 

Wendy’s forehead creased. “I can’t believe this.” 

 

Stan and Kyle sat down. Kenny forced Cartman to sit too. The whole bus was in a frenzy over it, focused on the two new couples. 

 

Tweek sat up beside Craig. 

 

“See?” Craig asked. 

 

“I guess,” Tweek said, smiling slightly.

 

The rancour did not stop even once they reached the school. Throughout the first half of the day Craig and Tweek took it easy, reveling in the speculation launched against Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny. 

 

Garrison was at the board, writing equations. He paused and faced the class. “Anybody know the answer to this one?” 

 

No one responded, ogling at the four boys. Stan and Kyle were looking down at their desks, avoiding all the attention. Kenny continually passed saccharine love notes to Cartman, who crumpled them up and threw them back at his face. Clyde was miffed, on account of their newfound popularity. Wendy kept shaking her head at Stan, equally gobsmacked and incensed. And Butters watched them with his chin cupped in his hands like they were a litter of puppies. 

 

“Hello? Bueller?” Garrison stepped forward. “What the hell is going on?” 

 

Butters squealed excitedly, unable to contain himself. “Stan and Kyle and Eric and Kenny are all gay, Mr. Garrison!” 

 

Stan and Kyle groaned in unison, their noses now pressed against their desks. 

 

Cartman slammed his fist down. “I am not gay!” 

 

“He’s in denial,” Kenny said, and ran his fingers up Cartman’s shoulder. “Relax, sweetie.” 

 

Cartman slapped his hand away. “I’m gonna kill you, dude!” 

 

“Now, settle down boys.” Garrison stared at them for a moment, then thoughtfully harrumphed. “That happened overnight.” 

 

Craig snickered. “Yeah. Why don’t you guys tell everyone why you came out in excruciating detail?” 

 

Tweek nodded beside him. “Excruciating!” 

 

Garrison sat down at his desk. “Oh, screw math. I wanna hear this.” 

 

Kenny took charge, leaning back and crossing his hands behind his head. “I’ll go first. So, everyone knows how I’m the boob and blowjob king - ” 

 

“You were an honor to our kind,” Clyde cried. 

 

“But it was just a ruse,” Kenny essayed. “The truth is, the only boobs I want are Cartman’s man titties.”

 

“I don’t have man titties,” Cartman denied. “And we’re not fucking gay!” 

 

Garrison whistled. “Wow. This is better than an episode of Glee.”

 

“That’s it,” Cartman yelled. “The  _ truth  _ is - “ 

 

“Hey, Cartman,” Craig said, and pulled the V-buck gift cards an inch out of his pocket from underneath his desk, “it’s okay.” 

 

Cartman froze. He looked at the gift cards, then at Kenny, then at the rest of the class, and swallowed his rage. “The truth is, Kenny’s right. Every night I dream about his fucked up teeth and rat face and emaciated body.” 

 

“You’re so sweet,” Kenny said, and winked. “I’m glad you’ve finally admitted it to yourself.” 

 

Craig repocketed the gift cards. Tweek spoke next. “What about you, Kyle? Stan?” 

 

“I don’t want to,” Stan said, facedown. 

 

“I want you to,” Wendy said, her face hardened. 

 

“Me too,” Garrison seconded. 

 

“Don’t make us,” Kyle whined. 

 

“But who knows what you could  _ gain _ for being honest?” Craig asked. 

 

Cartman kicked the back of their chairs. “ _ Yeah _ , guys.”

 

They both groaned again, then reluctantly sat upright. Neither one of them spoke. Stan looked emphatically at Kyle. 

 

“You go first,” Kyle said. “Get it over with.” 

 

Stan surrendered. “Fine.” He turned to Wendy. “Sorry,” he prefaced, then addressed everyone else. “Kyle and I have been best friends forever. But what no one knows is...we are also secret lovers.” 

 

Wendy made a small, sad noise. “Stan…” 

 

“I’m gonna go crazy,” Butters said. 

 

“Everyone be quiet,” Garrison ordered. “Let him finish.” 

 

“No, that’s it,” Stan said. 

 

Garrison sulked. “Lame, but okay. You’re up next, Kyle.” 

 

Kyle shrugged. “What Stan said.” 

 

Butters started chanting, and the rest of the class joined in. “Speech! Speech! Speech!” 

 

Kyle raised his voice. “Okay! Alright. Stan and I were always...close,” he began. “But recently, we both started feeling, uh, something more.” 

 

Bebe raised her hand. “What about Wendy?” 

 

“Right,” Kyle said. “Um, Wendy was just his gay beard.” 

 

Wendy gasped. “Really?” 

 

“What a way to break down heteronormativity,” Craig lauded. 

 

Her face scrunched with tears. “This is terrible!” 

 

Garrison pointed at her. “Now, Wendy, don’t be a homophobic bitch.” 

 

Even Bebe agreed. “Wow, girl. Not cool.”

 

“Ugh!” Wendy got up from her desk and ran out of the classroom, crying. 

 

“What a bigot,” Garrison sneered. When Stan rose to follow her, he lifted a hand. “Sit down, Stan. It’s okay. Don’t let her ruin this for you.” 

 

But before anything else could happen, the bell for lunch rang. 

 

Garrison scoffed. “Damn, it was just getting good, too. Oh well. You’re all dismissed, I guess.” 

 

Everyone went to lunch even more excited than before. Craig and Tweek got their food and sat down, self-satisfied and content. The pressure was off, and they could be with each other in peace. They held hands and traded snacks and nobody even cared. 

 

There was a big commotion at the lunch line. They watched Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny fight through the crowd. People were applauding and screaming. Somehow Butters had managed to make a sign that read “Stan x Kyle and Eric x Kenny Forever!” 

 

The four of them advanced toward Craig and Tweek’s table. They slammed their trays down upon arrival and leaned in so no one could hear them. 

 

“This is bullshit,” Cartman hissed. 

 

“I made Wendy  _ cry _ ,” Stan said. 

 

“Nobody will leave us alone,” Kyle complained. 

 

Kenny shrugged and popped a tater tot into his mouth. “I’m having fun.” 

 

Craig and Tweek were apathetic. 

 

“We put up with it all the time,” Tweek said. 

 

“You’ll get used to it,” Craig promised. 

 

“Get used to it?” Cartman demanded. “How long is this supposed to last? I want my V-bucks!” 

 

“You’ll get em,” Craig said. “Just relax.” 

 

“I can’t relax,” Kyle shrieked. “None of us can relax.” 

 

“How do you think we feel?” Tweek asked. 

 

“But you’re  _ actually _ gay.”

 

Craig shrugged. “I don’t know.” 

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Stan asked. 

 

“Look,” Craig said, “did you ever think maybe you aren’t straight?” 

 

Stan sat back, affronted. “What the hell? I’ve been dating the same girl for years.” 

 

“And you puke every time you try to kiss her.” 

 

“I get nervous.” 

 

“What’s there to get nervous about, if you like girls and like her?” 

 

“That’s stupid,” Stan said. “I don’t even…” He trailed off contemplatively. “I don’t even know.” 

 

“Exactly,” Tweek told him. 

 

“Okay, whatever,” Cartman said, “Stan is a fag. We all knew that when he tried being a vegetarian. But  _ I’m _ not.” 

 

“Justin Timberlake says otherwise,” Kenny mentioned. 

 

Cartman turned. “You’re just loving this, aren’t you?” 

 

“That’s my next point,” Craig said. “Kenny is loving this. He doesn’t care at all. Because he’s not straight and he’s cool about it.” 

 

“But he  _ is _ the boob king,” Kyle clarified. 

 

“I like boobs,” Kenny said. “They don’t have to be a girl’s boobs.” 

 

“Are you serious?” Cartman asked. 

 

“You said you were gonna kill him,” Craig continued, “but you haven’t. You just say that so people don’t think you’re the one who’s gay. You call people fags all the time so they don’t think you’re a fag.”

 

Cartman shoved his lunch away. “You’re insane. I’ve lost my fucking appetite.” 

 

“And the only reason that would happen is because you’re upset. The only reason you’re upset is because I’m right and you know it.”

 

Cartman’s angry expression faltered. He looked down at the ground. “I’m not gay,” he weakly defended. 

 

Finally, Craig looked at Kyle, who winced. “No, not me too.” 

 

But Craig did not heed his plea. “Kyle, everything about you is homosexual. You are an uptight bitch and always have to have some bullshit to bitch about. You are a total priss and, at the same time, a huge stubborn asshole. You are every outspoken gay stereotype combined into one person.”

 

Kyle rolled his eyes. “I don’t bitch all the time. I care about very important things and nobody ever wants to listen, because I’m  _ surrounded _ by close-minded idiots.”

 

“Spoken like a true homosexual,” Craig said. He started packing his lunch up, and Tweek followed suit. They stood up with their lunchboxes and held each other’s hand. 

 

“I knew you guys would do anything for V-bucks,” Craig told them, “and Tweek and I wanted people off our backs. But it had to last. The real reason I did this was because I’m smarter than all of you. I knew all of you guys combined are gayer than Tweek and I will ever be. And I knew once you guys got the idea of being gay, you would soon realize you’re actually gay. You are the gays South Park needs. Not me and Tweek. So deal with it. Bye. Here are your V-bucks.” 

 

He threw the gift cards onto the table and promptly walked away with Tweek. 

 

“Holy shit,” Tweek said once they were out of earshot. “I think you killed them. That was awesome.” 

 

“They’ll be okay,” Craig said. “Now we can finally live in peace.” 

 

Tweek stopped. Craig was lurched backward mid step. He frowned. “What is it?” 

 

They were in the middle of the cafeteria, but for the first time in a long time, nobody paid them any mind. Tweek looked around, then moved forward and gave Craig a quick, chaste kiss on the lips. 

 

Craig’s entire body locked in surprise and shock. He stood rooted to the spot, even when Tweek leaned back.

 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Tweek said. “It’s no big deal, right?” 

 

“Yeah,” Craig gasped. “Right.” 

 

Tweek smiled, and lead him outside to recess. 

**Author's Note:**

> so i have a lot of thoughts about creek but don't write them too much. i figured kill 2 birds with one stone and write a creek fic that is meta as hell. also i just love craig's deadpan delivery and want to see him tear the 4 main boys to shreds. so i came up with this. nothing against creek itself i love these boys but they deserve a break
> 
> please let me know what you think and leave a comment! i stayed up all night finishing this cuz i got too excited and was on a roll


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